Slow down (and think about why you’re really doing all this)

I have wondered many times why I continue running, often straight after the run itself in a fleeting, fatigue-induced bad mood. After all, I’ve never thought that endurance is one of my strengths. As a child I watched peers compete in long distance running while I stuck to short sprints and field events. In my teens I composed revision timetables based on brief periods of work and regular breaks, knowing that interest and motivation would wane quickly otherwise. But something made me start running and I carried on irregularly over the years, even after my initial interest faded. 

Last week though, toiling along behind everyone else, I began to think about it more seriously. Why was I wasting my outside exercise allowance feeling exhausted and unhappy, when I could be enjoying the fresh air and summer weather? Why was I finding the run so hard? I thought back to a adolescent client, a keen runner, whom I had recently asked for advice on improving my endurance. “I dunno”, he’d shrugged, “slow down?”

Slow down. I hadn’t thought about it much at the time, but reflecting on it now it seemed glaringly obvious. Walking back home I wondered how many other times I miss or ignore the opportunity to slow down. Modern life seems to rush by at one hundred miles an hour and we strive at full pelt to keep up with demands, with our peers and with our own expectations. Especially now, in lockdown, there might be increased pressure to get everything done, to juggle work, children, household tasks, hobbies. Even those who have fewer demands now might feel that they should be doing something, that the time shouldn’t be wasted. 

But nothing can run on full power forever. The longest-life batteries die, the fiercest storms tire and even the hardiest Spartan warriors needed a breather every now and then. Continuing to push ourselves without time to recharge comes at a cost to our physical health, our enjoyment in what we’re doing and our self-esteem. We cannot be at our best if we are tackling too much too quickly, and underperformance negatively affects how we feel about ourselves and our activities. 

So, we can all learn to pace ourselves when things get tough and allow ourselves more realistic and sustainable momentum. But let’s go back to that question of why I was pushing myself to run in the first place and why we end up feeling overwhelmed and depleted by things we want to enjoy. Too often it’s because of guilt or some other negative reinforcement. I push myself to run because it’s rewarded (temporarily at least) by relief from the guilt I feel if I don’t go, or if I go too slowly, or not far enough. Too often we work too hard and take on too much because we think that if we don’t do things to our best ability all the time, we’ll feel bad about it.  

Of course we likely have other motivations too - positive reinforcements like pleasure, success, social contact or sometimes material rewards. But the pace and standards we chase, or that are sometimes put upon us (by an employer, for example), can mean that we start to lose contact with these other motivations. Slowly, we begin working overtime on reports because we’ll feel terrible if we don’t complete them in a timely fashion, rather than because we are genuinely interested in what we are writing. Gradually, we end up busting a gut on unnecessary housework, not because we enjoy our home when it’s done, but more because what will we think of ourselves if it’s not? 

If we can reduce the guilt, or anxiety, or fear that is pushing us to do something, we might start to remember the things we liked about our work or other activities in the first place. Because the thing about guilt, or other negative reinforcers, is that we start to resent both the feeling and the activity it is encouraging us to do. Sometimes, we burn out and have neither the physical strength nor the emotional ability to keep going. We might start avoiding those tasks, or giving up on them when they could actually add something positive and meaningful to our lives. 

This week, I slowed down. I realised that running was never about stamina or attainment for me, I just wanted to be able to get a little physical activity outside. There will probably always be a part of me that wants to improve, but that’s only going to happen when I’m enjoying it and feeling motivated to keep it up regularly. So I decimated my route and planned little walks along the way. I didn’t listen to the voice in my head telling me I should be doing 10km by now, I listened to the voice saying “just go out, enjoy it, who cares what you ‘should’ be doing”. This week, I enjoyed the fresh air and the convivial atmosphere of people getting their daily freedom. I watched a family of swans that I’d never seen before and noticed a salty tang on the air that reminded me of family trips to the beach. This time, I came home thinking how nice it would be to do this again.